10 Ways To Turn A Woman Off

1.  Bad Hygiene. This is probably the quickest and easiest way to make us not want to get into your pants.  It should be obvious, but greasy hair, long and dirty fingernails, stained clothing, bad breath, mounds of ear wax and general grossness do nothing to warm a woman’s heart.  We know everyone has their lazy, sloppy days and we don’t expect a meticulously groomed man all the time, but if you consistently resemble Pig-Pen from the Peanuts cartoons you’re going to have a much harder time with the ladies.

2.  Nasty Living Space. This ties in with the bad hygiene and is also something that should be self-explanatory.  If you’re not living in a frat house, there is really no reason mold should be growing on your toilet seat.  Similarly, if you notice a funky smell when entering your home, you should probably try to figure out what it’s coming from and then burn that general area.  Cleaning up just a little can go a long way.

3.  Being a Gropey McGroperson. There is a time and a place for public displays of affection.  Most girls will appreciate a little pinch of the ass or spontaneous hugs but when you start trying to cop a feel at the dance recital of your girlfriend’s little sister, that’s probably going too far.  Also, ramming your tongue down a woman’s throat with the force and speed of a jackhammer is not sexy, under any circumstance.

4.   Lack of Ambition. I know that it’s a tough world out there and the economy is in the shitter.  This gives unemployed dudes everywhere hope that they’ll seem less pathetic because they’re not alone, and to an extent this is true.  However, if you’ve been out of work for months with absolutely no leads and zilch to show for all of your spare time, you’re in trouble.  If you’re still living at home and you’re over 24, this is also cause for concern.  A combination of those two things can be deadly.  Sadly, living off of mom and dad while smoking pot and playing video games all day doesn’t drive the ladies wild.  Hey, I said it was a tough world.

5.  Stupid Stories. If you can’t go more than ten minutes without bragging about every drop of alcohol you consumed last weekend or mentioning the video game/drinking contest that landed your buddy in jail, you might have a problem. That’s not to say the occasional anecdotes aren’t funny, but when drinking stories are the only thing you can bring to the conversation, it gets real old real quick.     

6.  Mean Jokes. It’s one thing when we talk shit about our sister or best friend, but if you start doing it you’re going to look like an ass.  This rule becomes slightly more flexible the longer you’re with a partner, but it’s generally a bad idea to compare your girlfriend’s loved ones to the animals you two saw at the zoo.  People are allowed to make fun of their own friends and family but hearing someone else make rude jokes at their expense has much the same effect as a chastity belt.

7.  General Douchebaggery. This kind of ties in with #6.  It’s a turn off when you’re a dick to people we love, and it’s also a turn off when you’re a dick to people we don’t even know.  If you throw a temper tantrum because the server at a restaurant forgot to bring you your third beer, we’re going to mentally zip back up our pants.  Making a big scene over petty grievances will not earn you points, in any book.

8.  Sexy Talk about Our Family. Another one that should be painfully obvious, but you would be surprised at how often this gets overlooked.  I once had a particularly stupid ex tell me about his fantasy involving my sister and I, which dried up my panties quicker than a day in the desert.  It’s great if you think our family members and/or friends are attractive, but try to be smart and keep that to yourself.  Anything else is just asking for trouble. 

9.  Checking Out Other Girls. Not a huge turn off for me personally, but I know it really pisses off most women.  If you absolutely cannot help but watch the short skirt and low cut top walking by, make sure you tell the lady you’re with how trashy that girl looked.  If you’re lucky, that might just save you from a huge fight later on.

10.  Compare Us to Your Ex. Ah, the granddaddy of all turn-offs.  So the last woman you dated was a yoga teacher with more flexibility in her pinky finger than your current girlfriend has in her whole body?  Or perhaps your ex liked to surprise you by dishing up your favorite meal, once a week and naked.  Yeah, we would love to hear all about that.  Better yet, leave old relationships out of the new ones, unless it’s to tell us how much better off you are now.

Disclaimer: this list is by no means complete.  The women you’re with could have very different turn-offs and turn-ons, and it’s up to you to figure out exactly what those are.  Some women might like a smelly, unemployed guy who’s always mean to everyone, but no woman will appreciate you bringing up a threesome with her mother.

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